you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
