Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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