I looked at my own cervix.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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