and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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