Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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