question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
