I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
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Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
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There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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