I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
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Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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