My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
