Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
