I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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