I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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