so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize