It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
