id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
