the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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