I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
