Can i not drive my cunt home
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
