I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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