Ambien. No doubt about it.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
