I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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