Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
