uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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