i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
did i walk over a car last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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