someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
