Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
