Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You pole danced in your parka.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
