why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
