he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I want to be your penis for a week.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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