I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Someone shattered a urinal.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
