i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is preforming stress tests.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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