the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Alive.
So much puke
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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