your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
