I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
