I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
