Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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