All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
