the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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