I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Quick, to the slutcave!
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
