I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Please don't give away my fajitas
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