you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
We're too hungover to prance.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
