So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
