you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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