can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
