i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
