I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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