it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
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Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
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Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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