I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
