We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I need a beard to bite.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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