Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
