fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
