spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
