i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
