also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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