Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
