Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
