Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
