Who wears a wallet chain?!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
