i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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